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May 31 Just Think SimpleOk, my mind is quite clear today so I better write this down while I still have the feeling.
Been searching for something, but just didn’t quite get it. Since I have been in Taiwan for over a week now, my mind is clearer. I was searching for my freedom and my own space. Before my trip, I was slowly affected by the surrounding and was fighting over it. Got to a point where I felt numb and hopeless. The first couple days here, I was still emotionless. I couldn’t help it because my head needs time to release and my whole body was quite tensed. At that stage, no one could help me except for myself. In the society today, we have been slowly affected by the materials around us. We have forgotten what the most important things in life are. Love, understand and care has been forgotten. Instead, we put pressure on each other without even realizing it. It wasn’t my work that made me stress; it was how people behave. I was born sensitive so I can’t help but notice every action and behaviour around me. The only way I can be myself is to find a place where I can refresh every once in a while. Many still don't understand themselves and what they want in life so they assume problems are on other people. I was frustrated from the battle against my own mind. At this stage, I needed space and time to think over. Many don’t understand and like to intrude. We have to take responsibility for ourself; thus, we can't expect to get happiness from people. As we realize our imperfection, we won’t waste so much time trying to change others. Instead, use the time to change our own thinking. We choose our path, not what other think is right for us. When I was in Kaohsiung, a taxi driver took us around town. He mentioned he only get to go home to see his wife and kids once a week. Most the time he just sleeps in his car waiting for customers. Yet, he still is sincere and lives happily day by day. Then it remind me of many people I've seen. Many ask for something over their limit, and unwilling to put effort. Then they admire others and try to prove themself. For instance, I know someone that always puts attention on other's mistake. She wines and complains whenever she see a problem. Authority is so important to her; thus, it made her lost respect for others. She assume people are rude when they don't give her the attention she wanted. When one doesn't put themself in other's shoe, they will start to spread their negative behaviour on. This is where the chain begins. Yet, those who doesn't put themself in other's shoe are those that haven't had the kind of experience in their life which will make them understand and treasure. When we are not strong enough, we will get brain washed into believing that we are the one with the problem and become negative as well. “Today’s society believes that simple life is unrealistic. It has been forgotten, but doesn’t mean it does not exist.” The Taxi Driver
May 29 Try to Understand MyselfHere in Taiwan, I seem to know what I want to do with my life. That’s why I came back here looking for an answer. Thought I want to move here, but that is not the reason. I think I just want to understand myself. I hardly get to know anyone with passion. There are not many people in Canada so the chance is quite small. I am always around people with different opinion as myself. I eventually start to doubt my own believes and thinking. However, I can’t push myself into their direction because I don’t see a point of living my life that way. I needed an answer, but I didn’t even know what I was searching for. It didn’t seem as if anyone understood. I felt weird, confuse and depress. Think I was just fighting with my own mind. I am avoiding people that don’t understand because I don’t want them to pull me back. My mind is still weak. There are many people in this world. I was just not lucky enough to meet people with same opinion earlier in my life. Always wonder why I was given a criticizing look as if I am not appropriate or wrong. The main reason is, this is the reality. People with different opinion will not agree with my thinking as I don’t agree with theirs. I just need to believe in myself and find ways to release my mind and do the things I love. Believe in myself, be strong and stop being influenced by others. Don’t assume myself useless just because I don’t like to follow rules and with huge ambition like most people. If I don’t find ways to express myself, my depression will get worse. Then my life will just be going in cycle. Back and forth and repeat the same problem over and over again. Who cares they think I am selfish. Everyone is selfish when they have their own point of view anyway. I guess I am not a person that’s able to live in the same place forever. I don’t want to lose my feeling and passion. I guess depression will be a part of my life. I just need to know how to balance it out and put it into good use. I don’t know how I will feel when back to Canada, but I want to remind myself how I feel when I was in Taiwan. Weird FeelingWhy do I feel like nothing is impressive anymore...?
Am I losing my feeling?
I hope this feeling is just temporarily...
There's gotta be more things in life that I want to know about...
Maybe I just need to dig deeper inside my passion to find it.
May 15 Back to CalgaryJust got back to Calgary...omg my mood changes drastically.
Edmonton just feels too depressing. A slow and lifeless city full of negative people.
Reminds me too much of the unhappy things. Negative energy just too overpowering.
People there likes showing off and putting others down. It's like they never seen the world. May 13 好現實喔~Danny and I just came home from shopping. Happen to see this girl who works as a cashier. She acted surprise seeing him and over reacted. Other two cashiers were looking at me in a weird way. She is not familiar with Danny, but he just lost a couple pounds since she last saw him. She put all her attention on him and didn’t realize I was there until he told her. It was pretty disrespectful. Well, this was not the first time. There was one that made fun of him when he was obese and all of a sudden acted like she knew him a long time. Again, I was invisible. Danny and I know each too well so there was no jealousy. 但是我們都覺得好多人都是現實的啊~ 在低落的時後能找到一個好朋及一定很難得喔~不過經過不同事的人都會用一方面的眼光來批評人和事情. 所以都不容易... What is Wrong with Me?Every time I come back to this house I start to feel depress. I always try to figure out what is wrong. Maybe it is the wall color...olive to brownish color. I have read on the web once that brown makes you feel isolated and trap. I am just too sensitive to everything. Maybe that is the reason. Anyway, I really hate this feeling because it reminds me of my weakness and loneliness. Well, since I’m here...I mind as well describes my feeling. 其實我都是一個好難維持快樂心情的人... 但是在這裡的感覺更加難受. 無聊就上網去找,“What is wrong with me?” 找到一個post關於depression. 其實都已經知道了, 但是想在多了解一些. I hardly can remember a time without this feeling. It has been on and off my whole life. 可能是天生的... 還是對一些事情已經麻木了. I don’t know... hope I will find out in the future. May 12 Goldfish Eyes!Last night before sleep...I put two slices of cucumber on my eyes to heal my dark circle.
This morning I got up looking like someone have punched me in the eyes!
So now look like goldfish~~ @_@ Korean FoodHad dinner in a Korean Restaurant call "Soeul" on Mother's Day.
May 09 On the NewsRecently there is a news about a little girl being locked up by her father in the basement.
He reported her missing, but he locked her up and raped her till she become 48 years old. She even
have his babies. 外國時常都有這種變態事情發生...So disgusting!
Today radio talk about women being mentally abuse by their husband and they try to stop this crime.
I believe mental abuse is more suffocating than physical...it just screws up your mind.
May 03 Innocence"我覺得這首歌的歌詞好感人.
真當Avril開心...找到自己了~" Waking up I see that everything is ok The first time in my life and now it's so great Slowing down I look around and I am so amazed I think about the little things that make life great I wouldn't change a thing about it This is the best feeling [ Chorus ] This innocence is brilliant I hope that it will stay This moment is perfect Please don't go away I need you now And I'll hold on to it Don't you let it pass you by I found a place so safe, not a single tear The first time in my life and now it's so clear Feel calm, I belong, I'm so happy here It's so strong and now I let myself be sincere I wouldn't change a thing about it This is the best feeling [ Chorus ] It's a state of bliss, you think you're dreaming It's the happiness inside that you're feeling It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry It's a state of bliss, you think you're dreaming It's the happiness inside that you're feeling It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry This innocence is brilliant Makes you wanna cry This innocence is brilliant Please don't go away Cus I need you now And I'll hold on to it Don't you let it pass you by [ Chorus ] By Avril Lavigne May 02 I Scared a GirlA young girl at work asked my help for price change today. She seems to be afraid of me. Didn’t know I am that scary. I am just quiet. Maybe I have become a scary person and don’t even realize it myself! XD
或許我太保護我自己了.
為什麼保護自己會卑任為是一個壞人呢?
反而故意傷害別人的就是正常...
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